the lighter side-
find something to smile about...!
Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy .
Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy .
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'
'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy . 'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'
President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in
upstate New York . HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, since he has now become the President.. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although President Obama was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers.'
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle." The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how
they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
New Flag of the USA
You'll now get one of these every week!!! Where will YOU spend yours?
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," says the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, the guy drops his pants and shows the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replies, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle."
Nancy Pelosi, Madame Speaker
Good old Harry Truman observed,
"My choice early in life was either to be a
piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell
the truth, there is hardly any difference. I, for one,
believe the piano player job to be much more honorable than
"Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: 'Have you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?" --Conan O'Brien
It's all about the Ice Cream ...
> The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while
> teaching third grade in 2000. The presidential election
> was heating up and some of the children showed an
> interest. I decided we would have an election for a class
> president. We would choose our nominees. They would make
> a campaign speech and the class would vote.
> To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other
> class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics
> these students should have. We got many nominations and from
> those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
> The class had done a great job in their selections. Both
> candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an
> advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had
> never seen Olivia's mother. The day arrived when they
> were to make their speeches. Jamie went first. He had
> specific ideas about how to make our class a better place.
> He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone
> He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was
> concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will
> give you ice cream."
> She sat down.
> The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice
> She surely would say more. She did not have to. A
> discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice
> cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or
> would the class pay for it? She didn't know. The
> class really didn't care. All they were thinking about
> was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land
> Every time Barack Obama opens his mouth he offers ice
> cream, and fifty percent of America reacts like
> nine-year-olds. They want ice cream. The other fifty
> percent know they're going to have to feed the cow.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a bass boat below.
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am.'
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican .'
'I am,' replied the bass fisherman. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, ' everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat .'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the bass fisherman, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
There are two ways to "spread the wealth:"
1. Confiscate money from those who earned it and hand it out to those who didn't. This is also known as "communism."
2. Allow those who know how to earn money to employ those who don't and provide them with jobs. This is known as "capitalism."
People who like to receive more than they have earned usually vote for No. 1. People who like to keep more of what they earn usually vote for No. 2.
God must really love stupid people....He made so many of them. And they were obviously out in force on election day.